There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
