my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
