You smell like stripper and shame
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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