There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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