My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
