you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
