Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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