we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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