He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
