dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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