i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
