I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
