I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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