He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
