on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Randomize
