we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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