I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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