She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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