mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
