I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
