i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
