If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
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