Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
