my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
