my mouth tastes like poor choices
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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