I wish I only lived at night.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
