you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
You ate ashes out of my bong
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
