know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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