I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
