Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
