On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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