I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
