about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
