God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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