She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I want a musical about memes.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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