Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
