I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
