That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I won't apologize to a one balled man
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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