Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
