Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
