Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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