Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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