why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
