How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
