I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
