hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
