Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
