On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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