I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
