So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
