I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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