How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
