Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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