she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
