Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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