The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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