I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
