and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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