Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
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